9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
