I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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