we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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