You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And the cops told us we were all naked.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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