4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
