His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
