remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…