i already hear my dad disowning me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.