i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
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last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car