Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
