My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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