I've blown a few things in my day
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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