how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
