you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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