she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
