Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
