I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
