I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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