so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
