So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
