i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God, I missed his penis.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
