Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
