all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
