Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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