Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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