Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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