I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
