mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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