What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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