If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
