how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
