I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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