I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
