He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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