she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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