my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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