I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
