EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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