I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
