Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
