i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
