i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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