When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
