Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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