I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
