I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Drunk is not a location!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
