But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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