apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
