My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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