She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
