Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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