So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
