clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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