everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
