please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
