Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
