My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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