Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
