When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
