Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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