she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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