they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
